“and/or grounds for a CSPI protest” – The Center for Science in the Public Interest is a consumer watchdog group that typically targets nutrition and health concerns; they are best known for their attacks on trans fats.
“But this Fur has no bangs to ease the bitter pill of its execution.” – The 2006 movie, Fur, a mostly-fictional account of the life of photographer-of-the-odd Diane Arbus, starred Nicole Kidman. Presumably, it’s a reference to a recurring element of Kidman’s hair style: a fringe on top.
“there is also an extended sequence involving a disguised character named Wolf that makes the List of Adrian Messenger look competent retroactively” – This 1968 flop film featured a variety of stars, like Frank Sinatra and Burt Lancaster, doing cameo appearances in heavy makeup for the sake of a marketing gimmick.
“an ending line that instructs the only sane response to and subsequent way to recover from the book: Curse bar.” – curse the book, recover at the bar.
“Guys and dolls, if you have any doubts as to how I feel about nearing that milestone via this book, allow me:
- Ask me how do I feel
- Ask me now that we’re nearing the ending
- Well sir, all I can say is if I were a check you’d be paying
- From the moment Stine killed tonight
- That last hope I had for a save
- Boy, if Goosebumps were dead I’d fight
- To make it stay put in the grave
- Ask me how do I feel, little me with my quip-happy blogging
- Well sir, all I can say is if I weren’t great I’d be quitting!
- And if I were this book I’d start stopping my reading
- Or if I were Scholastic I’d know when to stop printing
- Ask me how do I feel from this “Do Not Do” lesson I’m learning
- Well sir, all I can say is if I were a bridge game I’d be folding!
- Yes, I knew my morale wouldn’t last
- From the woeful way the book looked!
- Boy, if this were a meal I’d fast!
- Only if I were a fish I’d be hooked!
- Ask me how do I feel, ask me now that the moment is coming
- When if I were Vegas I’d know there’s no payout for sucking
- Ask me how to describe the whole damnable outlook
- Well, if you were a car wash you’d cost five dollars, book.”
– A re-imagining of If I Were a Bell, from Guys and Dolls. For your edification, the original lyrics:
- Ask me how do I feel
- Ask me now that we’re cosy and clinging
- Well sir, all I can say, is if I were a bell I’d be ringing!
- From the moment we kissed tonight
- That’s the way I’ve just gotta behave
- Boy, if I were a lamp I’d light
- And If I were a banner I’d wave!
- Ask me how do I feel, little me with my quiet upbringing
- Well sir, all I can say is if gate I’d be swinging!
- And if I were a watch I’d start popping my springs!
- Or if I were a bell I’d go ding dong, ding dong ding!
- Ask me how do I feel from this chemistry lesson I’m learning.
- Well sir, all I can say is if I were a bridge I’d be burning!
- Yes, I knew my moral would crack
- From the wonderful way that you looked!
- Boy, if I were a duck I’d quack!
- Or if I were a goose I’d be cooked!
- Ask me how do I feel, ask me now that we’re fondly caressing
- Well, if I were a salad I know I’d be splashing my dressing
- Ask me how to describe this whole beautiful thing
- Well, if I were a bell I’d go ding dong, ding dong ding!